I think it was meant for me to not have firm plans made for my 41st birthday.  I think Spirit planted other things in my way to keep me from thinking about it because it wanted me to do something different this year.  What occurred on January 20, 2018, was something powerful, life altering, and beautiful.  I had the honor and privilege of taking an eight course, taught by my bestie/soul sister Heidi Howes, about becoming a shamanic healer.

Over the past few years, I have started to open myself up to other methods of healing.  Meeting and working with Heidi has changed my life in ways I never would have known otherwise.  I have been in and out of therapy for my depression for years.  Talking to an impartial person and learning coping skills is great, but there’s nothing like repairing the hole in your soul.  Heidi has taught me how to do that.  With her help, I have learned to draw strength from Spirit realm and the ancestors who watch over me.  The healing that I have done on a soul level, is remarkable, and it has changed my life.

During this class, I was introduced to a technique called soul retrieval.  When we experience trauma, pieces of our soul leave us.  Sometimes, someone can take a piece of our soul from us.  Other times, we give pieces of our soul away to other people.  During a soul retrieval, we are led to the pieces of our soul that we have lost throughout our lives.  We are supposed to reconnect with that lost piece of our soul and bring them back home to us.  This can be done through shamanic journeying (which is a form of deep meditation).

During my first retrieval, I was led to the hospital where I was born.  I saw my premature infant self, in an incubator, struggling to breathe and fighting to live.  I stood in awe, because I was looking at myself, watching how I fought for my life.  I could hear my mother’s voice surrounding me in the room, saying, “I am so happy that you came through me.  I’m proud of everything you have become.”  I walked up the incubator and told my infant self to fight, to breathe, to live, and if she did, she would grow up to be a great warrior.  I then reached into the incubator, picked up my infant self, held her close to me, and she absorbed into me, in a warm, glowing flash.

My second retrieval was actually a soul recovery.  I was led to take back a part of my soul that was taken from me.  I was led back to the house that I grew up in.  I walked down the hall to my bedroom, and saw my twelve-year-old self playing video games with a family friend.  Immediately, I ran into the bedroom and stood in front of a baffled, twelve-year-old me.  “Find something else to do,” I said.  My twelve-year-old self was confused.  “You need to leave.  He’s going to hurt you in a way that will change everything,” I pleaded.  My twelve-year-old self looked terrified and asked me how I knew that. I grabbed her hands and said, “He’s not your friend.  He’s not your brother.  You cannot trust him.  Please, come with me.”  My twelve-year-old self took my hand, and I led her out of the bedroom.  I looked her deep in her eyes and told her, “I will never leave you alone again.  I will always protect you.  I will never turn my back on you again.  I promise.”  I hugged her tightly and she absorbed into me.

My third retrieval involved me trying to convince a drunk thirtysomething me to not go home with a woman who would end up breaking my soul in ways that I thought I would never recover from.  I struggled with this retrieval because my thirtysomething year old self didn’t want to leave and she didn’t believe what I was trying to tell her. She was already in a broken place and was caught up in the beauty of the woman she was with, thinking she had won something great.  I ended working to get her to come with me until the very last second before we were called back to the world.  It made me realize how stubborn I had really been during that time of my life, and how I didn’t want to hear the truth.

This experience has changed me and I am still trying to process what happened to me.  It took me a few days to feel normal in my body, which I was told was normal after incorporating parts of yourself that have been gone for a while.  I took away a lot of things from this course.  My soul was opened up in ways that it had never been before.  I feel like I was filled up to brimming with light, and now that light is flowing through me.  I feel supercharged, like I can shoot light and love from the center of my chest more powerful than Tony Stark and all of the Care Bears combined.  The love I feel flowing through me is incredible. I feel new.  I feel reborn.

This was the best birthday present I’ve ever received.  I have awakened in my power.  I have awakened in my love for myself and for the world.  I am forever grateful and I am happy to welcome my missing pieces back home to me.