One Day My Soul Opened Up

I think it was meant for me to not have firm plans made for my 41st birthday.  I think Spirit planted other things in my way to keep me from thinking about it because it wanted me to do something different this year.  What occurred on January 20, 2018, was something powerful, life altering, and beautiful.  I had the honor and privilege of taking an eight course, taught by my bestie/soul sister Heidi Howes, about becoming a shamanic healer.

Over the past few years, I have started to open myself up to other methods of healing.  Meeting and working with Heidi has changed my life in ways I never would have known otherwise.  I have been in and out of therapy for my depression for years.  Talking to an impartial person and learning coping skills is great, but there’s nothing like repairing the hole in your soul.  Heidi has taught me how to do that.  With her help, I have learned to draw strength from Spirit realm and the ancestors who watch over me.  The healing that I have done on a soul level, is remarkable, and it has changed my life.

During this class, I was introduced to a technique called soul retrieval.  When we experience trauma, pieces of our soul leave us.  Sometimes, someone can take a piece of our soul from us.  Other times, we give pieces of our soul away to other people.  During a soul retrieval, we are led to the pieces of our soul that we have lost throughout our lives.  We are supposed to reconnect with that lost piece of our soul and bring them back home to us.  This can be done through shamanic journeying (which is a form of deep meditation).

During my first retrieval, I was led to the hospital where I was born.  I saw my premature infant self, in an incubator, struggling to breathe and fighting to live.  I stood in awe, because I was looking at myself, watching how I fought for my life.  I could hear my mother’s voice surrounding me in the room, saying, “I am so happy that you came through me.  I’m proud of everything you have become.”  I walked up the incubator and told my infant self to fight, to breathe, to live, and if she did, she would grow up to be a great warrior.  I then reached into the incubator, picked up my infant self, held her close to me, and she absorbed into me, in a warm, glowing flash.

My second retrieval was actually a soul recovery.  I was led to take back a part of my soul that was taken from me.  I was led back to the house that I grew up in.  I walked down the hall to my bedroom, and saw my twelve-year-old self playing video games with a family friend.  Immediately, I ran into the bedroom and stood in front of a baffled, twelve-year-old me.  “Find something else to do,” I said.  My twelve-year-old self was confused.  “You need to leave.  He’s going to hurt you in a way that will change everything,” I pleaded.  My twelve-year-old self looked terrified and asked me how I knew that. I grabbed her hands and said, “He’s not your friend.  He’s not your brother.  You cannot trust him.  Please, come with me.”  My twelve-year-old self took my hand, and I led her out of the bedroom.  I looked her deep in her eyes and told her, “I will never leave you alone again.  I will always protect you.  I will never turn my back on you again.  I promise.”  I hugged her tightly and she absorbed into me.

My third retrieval involved me trying to convince a drunk thirtysomething me to not go home with a woman who would end up breaking my soul in ways that I thought I would never recover from.  I struggled with this retrieval because my thirtysomething year old self didn’t want to leave and she didn’t believe what I was trying to tell her. She was already in a broken place and was caught up in the beauty of the woman she was with, thinking she had won something great.  I ended working to get her to come with me until the very last second before we were called back to the world.  It made me realize how stubborn I had really been during that time of my life, and how I didn’t want to hear the truth.

This experience has changed me and I am still trying to process what happened to me.  It took me a few days to feel normal in my body, which I was told was normal after incorporating parts of yourself that have been gone for a while.  I took away a lot of things from this course.  My soul was opened up in ways that it had never been before.  I feel like I was filled up to brimming with light, and now that light is flowing through me.  I feel supercharged, like I can shoot light and love from the center of my chest more powerful than Tony Stark and all of the Care Bears combined.  The love I feel flowing through me is incredible. I feel new.  I feel reborn.

This was the best birthday present I’ve ever received.  I have awakened in my power.  I have awakened in my love for myself and for the world.  I am forever grateful and I am happy to welcome my missing pieces back home to me.

What 2017 Taught Me

I learned a lot in 2017.  I learned a lot about myself and I also learned about what this beautiful roller coaster ride called life really means.  2017 showed me the highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows.  A few short months ago, I was ready to end my life.  I faced my demons for what I hope will be the final time, and I made the difficult, but necessary decision to start taking medication for my depression.

During all of those tribulations, I realized that I needed to stop carrying all of my pain.  I had to let go of every hurt, every person who hurt me, and the guilt I felt from hurting people who I love.  I dug in deep, opened my eyes, and took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror.  It’s hard to admit to yourself that you need to stop running from your demons.  It’s hard to admit that you’re tired of fighting them.  It’s hard to admit to yourself that you cannot fight your demons alone.  It’s hard to ask for help.  When I decided to get on a medication for depression, initially, I felt like I was admitting to defeat.  I wanted to have a great warrior story about how I defeated my depression all by myself and vanquished my enemy with my own two hands.  The truth is, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t defeat my depression alone.  When I finally went to my Primary Care doctor to ask for medication, I didn’t feel defeated.  More than anything, I was hopeful, and quite a bit desperate.  I have dealt with depression off and on for the past twenty years, if not longer.  It was past time for me to try a new option, and I am so glad I did.  The medication has completely eliminated my depression symptoms and I feel like the world has opened up for me.  I see life differently.  I see it in vivid, vibrant Technicolor for the first time since I was a little girl.

With the help of medication, my therapist, my incredible spiritual healer, and my amazing supportive tribe and family, I have finally come out of the dark for good.  I have embraced my joy completely and live fully in it.  I say yes to more things that will make me happy.  I reach out for connection with my friends and family.  I give my love freely and no longer harbor it in fear of being hurt or rejected.  I am blooming and soaking up every ray of sunshine I see.

2017 gave me the gift of rock bottom.  It gave me the chance to see that I am needed in this world, that I have more to give, and my gifts are something real and genuine to offer to society.  2017 gave me to the chance to discover the power that lives in me.  I have learned that life is not something you suffer through until it’s over.  Life is something that you cultivate, that you grow, that you care for.  Life is something you love, as fully and wholeheartedly as possible.  Life is golden and beautiful.  It’s your own masterpiece and you should choose to make it as beautiful, loud, and unique as possible.  We can create the most amazing mosaic of pain, love, and beauty.  We have the fibers, pieces, and scraps to make it so.

2017 will be known forever as the year that Chere was reborn.  I was reborn in my purpose.  I was reborn in my faith.  I was reborn in my power.  My soul has been  reawakened and it will never sleep again.  Spirit fills me and flows through me.  I am letting life love me and I am loving the hell out of it in return.  I’m training my eyes to see the beauty in every single thing, even the things that don’t go my way or cause me pain and strife.  If I had to choose a word to describe 2017, it would be rebirth.  I have shed my dead weight, my demons, and my baggage.  I can dance now because I am light on my feet.  I have nothing holding me down.  My arms aren’t full of pain, regret, doubt, or fear.  My arms are open and reaching out for joy, love, and happiness.

My word for 2018 is live.  I intend to live fully, with intention, purpose, and presence.  I want to taste everything that life gives me.  I will walk in my light and let the wind carry away any dark clouds that drift in.  We only get so many days, so many chances to enjoy the miracle that is being alive.  I will no longer spend those days sad, angry or bitter.  I will spend them living, loving, laughing, giving, and creating beauty.  Welcome to 2018 guys.  Let’s be brave and love each other while we can.  Life is so much shorter than we think.  Happy New Year.