Time

Time and I haven’t been very good friends over the years.  To be quite honest, I think we have both proactively worked against each other most of the time.  I have always been the biggest procrastinator, preferring most of the time to do things at the last-minute, then plowing through tasks, assignments, or life itself like a whirling dervish.  I used to think I did my best work under pressure, but now that I have grown older, my thoughts have changed.

Time, as much of an enemy as it has been, has taught me a lot.  Time is very serious and demands respect.  You have to learn to work with time, rather than against it.  You might think that you can master time, or manipulate it to your favor.  You can’t move it or master it, but it can certainly move and master you in a heartbeat.  Time can humble you in an instant.  It can give you everything, then snatch it away.

What have I learned from time?  Don’t waste it.  Do all that you can with it.  Appreciate what it brings you and what it shows you.  Appreciate what you learn from it. Use it.  Tell people how you feel.  Speak up when you need to speak up.  Don’t wait until next time, because the way that this life is set up, there may not be one.  Don’t ever let someone you care about walk out of your life without letting them know how you feel about them.  The words you don’t say today will be the regret you carry in your heart tomorrow.  Show your love as often as you can, whenever and wherever you can.  That’s what will last, even after our time runs out.

Weight

I have always believed that there was power in my size.  It wasn’t because I’m big that I am powerful.  I believed that my size added to my power.  I have never desired to be a skinny girl.  I always wanted to maintain a healthy weight, a size that was good for my body overall.  I enjoy my curves.  I love the way I look in a pair of jeans that fit me well.  It took a long time for me to feel this way about my body, and I still have a quite a way to go until I feel completely comfortable in it.

The weight that I carry, is the weight that I carry, both physically and emotionally.  My power lies in my ability to carry it and in my ability to drop it.  The strength it takes to carry secrets, unspoken truths, unrequited love, fear, and sadness can be amplified if you let all of those things go.  Erykah Badu was right when she sang, “Bag lady, you gon’ hurt your back.  Dragging all them bags like that.  I guess nobody ever told you , all you must ever hold onto is you, is you, is you.”

Losing weight both physically and emotionally, is difficult.  It takes discipline and dedication.  I have carried extra weight all of my life.  I feel like I was built to do it, but the older I become, the more I realize how unhealthy it has been for me.  I get tired.  I get lazy.  I get cravings for comfort food and junk, both real and emotional.  However, I have a goal in mind.  That goal is to be lighter.  To be free.  To not be tied down by physical and emotional limitations.  I’m trying to fly.  I can’t be held down by dead weight.  Keeping Erykah’s words in mind as I continue on this transformational path, “All you must ever hold onto is you.”  I’m holding on tight and trusting in the journey completely.  You have to give up the things that wear you down, in order to soar in the sky.

 

Letting Go

In my life, I’ve mourned people who didn’t deserve to be mourned.  I did this because I believed in torturing myself more than I believed in healing myself.  Those people got away with pieces of me that I will never get back.  They took away a lot of the best parts of myself, while leaving me hollow, empty, and angry at myself for letting them run.  What I didn’t realize then, was that it wasn’t worth it to beat myself up for their inability to love me or see my worth.  I had to go through a lot of self-torture and self-pity to realize that loving myself and seeing my own worth was an inside job.

Learning to let go of self-defeating thoughts and learning how to embrace loving myself has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  I am grateful for the awakening that I have experienced and for the people who have grabbed me and shaken up my consciousness to the point that I see no other way to live but in love, light, and positivity.  I realize now that after so many years of believing that I was just something to be used up and tossed aside, that I am worthy of so much more.  I have a beautiful light inside of me that deserves to be cherished.  We all do.  Living in the light is so much better than being swallowed alive by the darkness.

To anyone struggling, to anyone feeling lost in the dark, I say this to you, loudly:  You can come out of it.  You are beautiful.  You deserve love.  You are loved.  There is love in you and you are worth loving.  It may seem impossible, but there is a way out.  If you’re reading these words, please know that I believe in you, that I love you, and I am rooting for you.  All it takes is one step and reaching out for help.  There are people who are willing to guide you.  I’m one of them.

Space

Have you ever really thought about the space that someone takes up in your life?  Have you ever considered the amount of space you give up to accommodate them?  Do you wonder if you’ve left enough room for yourself to thrive and shine without being overshadowed by them?

Sometimes, we can give up too much space to other people and not leave enough room for ourselves.  This happens a lot in regards to the people that we love.  We can get caught up in loving them so much, giving them what they need, that we forget about our own needs in the process.  Other times, we create space for the people we love, but they either do not show up to take the space or they are unable to.  What if, instead of creating space for people who don’t show up for us, or who are unable to show up for us, that we create that space for someone who can, we save it for someone who will fill that space and provide us with the love we need?

We can hold space for people, but if they aren’t going to show up or if they cannot show up, then what do you do with that space?  We can keep the space open, we can prepare it with the dreams and desires of who and what we want to fill that space.  It can be whatever we desire it to be and if we create that space, the person that we need to fill it will come.  I know it sounds like “Field of Dreams,” but it is true.  We can attract the things that we want.

One important thing that must be considered when holding and creating space for someone or something, is to always leave enough room for yourself.  You also need room to grow and thrive.  It’s nice to have someone in your life, but you can’t let their needs and providing for their needs overshadow your own.  You have to remember to care for yourself in the process of caring for someone else.  Don’t forget, that you matter too.  You deserve to flourish and shine just as much as they do.

 

For The Love Of My Sisters

I’m the middle of three sisters.  That hasn’t always been the easiest position to be in, but now, I can truly say that I love it.  My oldest sister, Marita is the mom of the bunch.  She took care of me and my younger sister Brandi, when our mother was either working, in the hospital, or just gone.  I used to feel bad for her because she had to take us with her on her dates.  I know that had to suck for her, but she did what she had to do and I always respected that.  Still, even now that I’m 40, she still takes care of me.  She looks out for me, just like she always has, and even more important, she can make lasagna like our Mom and will bring me one if I ask her to.

My second oldest sister Shavon, didn’t grow up with us.  She is my half-sister on my Dad’s side and I didn’t get to know her until I was about twelve.  From that moment on though, she and I have been as thick as thieves.  We have a bond that is unbelievable and beautiful to me.  We finish each other sentences and think of the same things at the same time.  She’s the yin to my yang.  We are both very much like our Dad and we often amaze ourselves at how much we can sound and act like him.  She is one of my favorite people in the world and quite honestly, she is my best friend.  She’s one of the few people on this Earth who truly understand me, the way I think, and how I feel.  When we hang out together, the time always flies and I end up laughing so much that my stomach muscles are sore for days after.  I am grateful for the bond that we have and it is something I cherish.

My little sister Brandi and I haven’t had the best relationship as we grew up, but now, I think we are in a much better place.  I don’t think she knows that I love her very much and that I would do anything in the world for her.  I wish she would reach out to me more, but I think as we get older, we realize how much we do need each other.

I’ve learned a lot from all three of my sisters.  They each have had a part in the me becoming the woman I am.  Sisterly love is strong.  It’s beautiful and nurturing.  You learn a lot from having them in your life.  They help you fly.  They lift you up.  They protect you and guide you when you have no idea of the direction you even want to go and their wisdom serves as the perfect roadmap.  I can only hope that I mean as much to them as they mean to me.  I have the best three sisters a middle kid could ask for.  I love you guys.