Upon entering the bar, I immediately noticed it wasn’t full. A few customers were sitting in corner booths, chatting quietly as I walked past. I’m pretty sure everyone in there had a story, but I’m positive that none of them were as readable as mine is. My red, swollen eyes should have been able to tell the tale sufficiently. Earlier in the evening, my husband had announced that he was leaving me. His explanation only made matters worse. After seven years of marriage and two beautiful babies, he was leaving because he had grown tired of me. I had trouble understanding what there was to be tired of. I gave him everything he wanted, yet that wasn’t enough for him. To say that I was hurt by all of this would not be saying enough. I was devastated. Roger was my sense of stability. The family that we had created had been my one true purpose in life, the one thing I felt that I could make perfect and flawless.
We had known each other since college, and when we married after grad school, I thought I had settled down with my best friend for life. We would still go for walks in the park with the kids and hold hands. Late at night, we would hold each other and talk about how happy we were. Now, with all of that gone, I feel lost, disconnected, sad, and confused.
I had no intention of going to a bar. All I wanted was to try and come up with a decent Plan B. I kept reassuring myself that everything would be okay, that the kids and I were going to be fine, but panic was slowly seeping through the cracks of my broken heart.
After taking a seat at the bar, I ordered a rum and coke. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but after tonight, I needed something to take the edge off. My head slowly started to clear after two sips of my drink. I barely noticed the well-dressed man as he slipped into the seat next to me. The sharp, but subtle sweetness of his cologne traveled up my nostrils, filling me with brief contentment. I shifted my gaze toward the man and gave him a weak smile. The man nodded his head and smiled back warmly at me.
I hope that he’s not getting the wrong idea, I thought to myself.
I wasn’t trying to come on to him or anything. I was just being nice. I returned my attention back to my drink and the thoughts that were now swirling through my head, when the gentleman spoke softly, but firmly.
“I hate bad days.”
I mustered up a snicker in agreement. “Me, too,” I said.
“My name’s Allen Richardson,” the gentleman said, extending his hand out towards me. I smiled again and shook his hand warmly.
“Rachel Latham. It’s nice to meet you. “
Allen leaned back in his chair and relaxed a little.
“I don’t usually come to bars, but after the day I had, the house wasn’t exactly the best place for me to be tonight.”
“I know exactly what you mean. Bars aren’t my style. I’m not even a social drinker,” I shared. Allen looked at me briefly, then he grinned broadly at me.
“So what really brings you here?” he asked.
“I needed to clear my head. I’ve had a little bit more stress than I can deal with this evening.” I answered.
“You and I both,” Allen agreed.
I suddenly found it shocking that I enjoyed this man’s company. He was easy to talk to, which was very comforting to my heart. I sipped my drink again and then turned my stool so I could really look at Allen.
“Have you ever lost your sense of security?”
Allen lifted his hazel eyes into mine. “Do you ever feel like the walls that surround you are crumbling and falling on top of you?” he asked.
I sat up straight in my stool, astonished at how we were feeling the same way.
“Yes, I do,” I whispered.
Allen looked down and fumbled with his necktie.
“So do I, especially right now,” he said softly.
I nodded my head in agreement. “The world seems so unstable to me now, and to think that just yesterday I felt as if it couldn’t be a more perfect place.”
“May I ask what changed your view?” Allen asked.
I gazed at Allen with unsure eyes. “I don’t know…”
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s fine if you’re not comfortable talking about it,” Allen said.
Taking a deep breath, I looked into Allen’s eyes again. There was trust and comfort in them.
“My husband left me this evening.”
I grabbed my drink and took a long, hard gulp. This was the first time I had said it out loud, to anyone else.
“I’m sorry to hear that. How long have you been married?”
“Seven years.”
Allen put his drink down on the bar. “Were you happy?”
“I was very happy. This was totally unexpected.”
Allen noticed that my drink was empty. “Looks like you’re out. How about a refill?”
I nodded my head to express my acceptance of his offer.
“What are you drinking?” Allen asked.
“Rum and coke,” I answered, as Allen got the bartender’s attention and ordered our next round.
He turned back to me and said, “This one’s on me.”
“Thank you. I don’t mean to be sitting here dumping all of my issues on you,” told him, while using my finger to twirl the ice in my drink around.
“It’s okay. It’s good to let it all out. That way, you don’t go crazy,” Allen responded.
“Are you a psychiatrist or something?”
Allen smiled at me. “No. Why do you ask?”
“Because you’re easy to talk to. Not a lot of men are like that.”
“I’m not a psychiatrist, Rachel. I’m just someone who enjoys listening. Our stories are somewhat similar, but very different.”
I frowned at Allen as I sipped my drink. “How so?”
“I lost my wife to cervical cancer earlier this evening. I’ve been driving around for hours. I just ended up here because I couldn’t think about driving anymore and I don’t want to go home.”
There was a long pause between us. I couldn’t think of anything to say. There were no words for this.
Finally, I managed to muster, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m still very numb. It’s amazing when you think of the vows of marriage, they never really become evident until you experience some trying times.
I never thought that death would separate Linda and I. I never believed that there would be sickness. Just being happily together spoiled us.”
“Now, it’s hard to let go,” I added.
Allen rested his hand on the bar. I noticed that it was trembling. “It’s very hard, especially when we are forced to.”
I reached out slowly and placed my hand firmly on top of Allen’s.
“How long was she sick?”
“They first found tumors three years ago. We were trying to have children and we wanted to know why she wasn’t getting pregnant. After undergoing radiation and chemotherapy, she went into remission. That lasted eight months. When the cancer came back, it spread to her liver and stomach quickly. It shut her whole body down. Watching her suffer day in and day out was unbearable.”
“I’m sure it was,” I said softly.
“Near the end, we used to cry together because we both knew what was going to happen. She fought hard because she didn’t want to leave me.”
Allen looked up at our hands, then. He took mine into his and held it tightly.
“She’s at peace now,” I told him.
“Yeah,” Allen said with a hard sigh.
“What was she like before she got sick?”
Allen closed his eyes and smiled tenderly, reminiscing. “She was bright, bubbly, and colorful. She was an artist and she was eager to try new things. One of the most amazing things about her was the way she looked at life. She enjoyed everything she did. Once, she painted a portrait of us together. I posed for six hours while she stood at her easel, splattering paint everywhere. It was wonderful to watch her work.”
I smiled admirably at Allen. “Sounds like she made you very happy.”
“I didn’t want to go home tonight because the first thing you see when you walk into the house is that portrait of us. I didn’t want to go home because all I would do is sit and look at that painting and hurt.”
Tears filled Allen’s eyes.
“I wish I had more comforting words for you.”
Allen placed his free hand on my shoulder. “Just you being here is comforting enough.”
Something inside of me, a visceral feeling that penetrated me from deep down in my stomach, made me want to hold Allen.
“Being alone hurts,” I said.
“More than anything else in the world,” Allen added.
A familiar song began to play on the jukebox. The jazzy sounds of “Don’t Know Why,” filled the bar. Allen started to stare at me again.
“Would you like to dance?”
“Dance?” I asked, shocked at his question.
“Yeah, dance,” Allen said confidently.
` “Okay.”
I allowed Allen to lead me to a dance floor in the back of the bar. When he pulled me inside of his arms and wrapped them around my back, it felt like I was surrounded by a giant wave of warmth and tenderness. We moved slowly to the music while Norah Jones sang of a heart drenched in wine and catching teardrops in her hand. When the song ended, another song that I was unfamiliar with began to play. The words and melody made me even sadder. I rested my head on Allen’s shoulder and sighed heavily.
“It’s okay to cry, if you want. This song’s killing me, too,” Allen whispered.
I blinked once and instantly, tears were falling from my eyes. “I have to raise two babies on my own now. I don’t know if I can do this alone. I’m so scared,” I cried. Allen nuzzled his cheek against mine. It was wet with his tears.
“I’m scared, too. I never entertained the thought of what it would be like to live without Linda. Now I have to get up and face it every day.”
We danced in silence for a few minutes more. Allen held me delicately, as if I would break if he let go of me. I felt safe in his arms.
“Were you there when she…” I asked hesitantly, breaking the silence between us.
“I was. Even though she couldn’t speak, I stayed with her and held her in my arms until it was over. I didn’t want her to be alone.”
Before I knew it, I was crying again. “Most people don’t get the chance to do what you did.”
“I’m grateful to God for having that chance,.” Allen expressed.
“I can’t imagine losing Roger like that, but I am grieving over the death of my marriage.”
“Did he give you a reason why?” Allen asked.
“He was tired of me,” I said sadly.
“Tired of you?”
“After seven years and two children, he told me that he was tired of being married to me. I’m still having trouble understanding that.” I stated.
“Are you angry with him?”
“Right now, I am more hurt than anything. Maybe I will be angry with him once the shock wears off. I just don’t understand how he could go from telling me how much he loved me to telling me that he was tired of being married to me.”
“Would you take him back if he asked you to?”
“Marriage is a big deal to me. It means everything. When you invest your whole life into someone, a relationship, a family, and make sacrifices for the greater good of that family and relationship, then it should last forever. To me, once it’s over, it’s over. There should be no going back.”
Allen gently ran his fingers through my hair, and then stroked the side of my face tenderly. “You still love him, though, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I answered firmly.
“I’m sure he still loves you, too. I think something is going on with his heart right now. Maybe he needs some time and space to figure things out.”
“Why would he stay married to me for so long if his heart wasn’t in it?” I asked.
“He was probably afraid of losing you.”
Allen’s answer struck me hard. I turned down many jobs after Roger and I had graduated college. Roger wanted me to stay with him in Washington D.C. so we could get married. Being as in love with him as I was, I couldn’t refuse him.
I glanced at my watch. It was almost midnight. I didn’t want to leave Allen’s arms, but I wanted to go home to my babies. I stopped dancing abruptly. “I should be going, Allen. I have to get back home to my kids. My sister is with them.”
Allen smiled warmly. “I understand. How old are they?”
“Brandon is five and Briana is two. I feel terribly about being away from them so long. Sometimes, Briana has nightmares and can’t get back to sleep. Brandon wakes up in the middle of the night and asks for a glass of water….”
“You’ll be okay, Rachel,” Allen interrupted.
“Huh?” I asked.
“You’re going to be fine by yourself. What you just said proves it. You know what your children need, and that’s you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. Your strength, love, and devotion to your children will carry you through this. There are times when you will be scared, but that will pass. Your love for your children will help you heal.”
I looked up at Allen and realized that he was still holding me.
“What about you?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It will take me a long time to heal. I have nothing else to put my strength and heart into besides my job, and that only gives me so much comfort.”
“What about a new friendship?”
Allen smiled again. “I’m willing to make that effort, but only if you are.”
“Deal.” I smiled. Allen embraced me tightly in his arms.
“Thank you for coming into my life, Rachel. You’ve made this evening a lot easier for me to deal with.”
I smiled while resting my head against Allen’s shoulder. “So have you. Thank you.” We walked back over to the bar and exchanged business cards while Allen paid for the drinks. We walked out of the bar together slowly.
“You know, tomorrow doesn’t look so bad to me now,.” Allen said as he walked me to my car.
“Yeah,” “I agreed.
“Next time, let’s meet somewhere that we are both used to.”
I laughed wholeheartedly at Allen, realizing how good it felt to do that.
“Good night, Allen. Call me if you need anything,” I told him, as I got into my car.
“You, too, Rachel. I’ll be here,” Allen said as he waved goodbye.
As I drove home to be with my children, I felt rejuvenated and powerful. It was amazing to me how Allen and I had come together in our grief. I believed that I would make it through this tragedy and come out better for it. I would also see to it that Allen would make it through his loss. We both had enough strength to cope with our losses and rebuild our lives again. The best part about it was that we would not do it alone.
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