I have been without both of my parents for twenty two years. This year is the twentieth anniversary of my father’s passing. To have lost both parents, in the month of June, two years and twelve days apart from each other, makes the month a very somber one for me.

Time has made the grief easier, but the hole in my heart won’t ever go away. I struggled for the better part of the last twenty years just grieving their loss, grieving their absence. Now, I’m struggling with wanting to know more about them, the kind of people they were, if I am really more like them than I thought. I grieve not getting to know their human sides better. I want answers to all the questions I was afraid to ask as a kid.

My Dad and I used to spend Saturdays together during my teenage years. We would spend hours in his basement listening to music, talking about life. He would tell me about how he grew up, pass on his musical wisdom, and share his lessons on life. Those days meant so much to me, but I wish I could have learned more.

I’m curious about my parents’ hopes and dreams. They were never married, but I wonder if they were each other’s soulmate. Who broke their heart? Who was their role model? How did they feel about their parents? What did they learn from them? These are questions that I wish I could ask them.

Both of my parents were addicts. My mother was addicted to prescription drugs and my Dad, alcohol. I want to know what was it that made them choose to self medicate. Was it depression? Was it the pressures of providing for us? Was it disenchantment with life? Did they not think they were enough?

I often visit with my parents in my dreams and in the spirit realm when I am doing healing work. I never ask them these questions. I always tell them how much I love them and how much I miss them. Mostly, I let them talk to me, tell me how they feel. It’s always beautiful and powerful, the things they tell me.

In these twenty two years without them, I have learned to let go of the anger I held as a kid about my parents’ addictions. They did the best that they could, when they could do it. I am not angry at them for being human. I understand that now, as an adult. You can’t be everything that people need you to be. The weight of expectations are often too heavy to withstand. People can buckle under the pressure.

I’m not sure if this is what happened to my parents, but I do want them to know that I forgive them. It takes growing up and walking in your own imperfections and darkness to truly understand that life isn’t easy. Being a parent is for damn sure not easy.

Looking at my siblings and myself, I can honestly say that my parents raised some amazing humans. We are reflections of the best in them. They shine on through us. Michael and Ingrid, I hope we make you proud. Your legacy is forever strong. I love you.